10 Things to Avoid During Thanksgiving

Louis C.K., the sage of our time.

Louis C.K., the sage of our time.

Here are ten things to avoid during Thanksgiving, the first holiday that sets the tone for all other impending holidays. DO IT RIGHT OR NOT AT ALL.

 

1) DON’T drink before embarking on the adventure that is a new recipe. 

Put the wine glass DOWN. I have learned the hard way: just because it’s a holiday doesn’t mean that the Food Network gods have suddenly graced you with culinary gifts. You still have to read the directions like a literate adult and if you have wine in your bloodstream, the ability to read is quickly ripped away like so many appetites upon viewing turkey gizzards.

Case in point: Last year, I tried making a pumpkin pie. I put in baking soda when the recipe called for baking flour… This resulted in an absolutely heinous salty pumpkin cake and also a salty discharge from my tear ducts.

Obviously not a picture of the horrible monstrosity I created. It was truly the Frankenstein of holiday desserts.

Obviously not a picture of the horrible monstrosity I created. It was truly the Frankenstein of holiday desserts.

2) DON’T make homemade cranberry sauce. 

That’s cute and all, but guys, can we all just agree that that canned stuff is AMAZING and King of All Things Cranberry & Delicious? Just because it comes out in the form of a gelatinous cranberry can does not mean it is not both mighty and majestic. It even has ridges to show you where to cut each serving.

Me: “How helpful you are, Canned Cranberry! With your evenly-spaced ridges and Jello-like consistency, I can never go wrong.”

Canned Cranberry: “You’re welcome.”

Mmmmm.

Mmmmm. Can.

3) DON’T exercise. 

Are you serious? That’s what New Year’s resolutions are for, dummy! Why start a habit now when your Old Year’s resolution should be to become a giant sea cow? Actually, sea cows are too healthy – they eat marine vegetation. Try for something larger, like a planet. Become a planet. Mercury, maybe?

750px-1e7m_comparison_Uranus_Neptune_Sirius_B_Earth_Venus

4) DON’T spend three-hundred hours blessing the food. 

WHAT IS THIS, DAY 1 OF THE PILGRIMS LANDING ON AMERICA?* Please, for the love of all things holy and unholy, this is not the time to list all six million saints in the Catholic canon. Take the time to say your thanks, give the sky a thumbs up, pat your friends and family on the head, and then eat! If you do spend three-hundred hours on something, make sure it is spent being grateful for Kimye and realizing what is truly important in this world: the existence of North West.

Calm down, everyone.

Calm down, everyone. The saints will still be here tomorrow.

5) DON’T eat at all except for dinner. 

I play a game every year called how-hungry-can-I-get-before-I-pass-out and this year is no different. Time to fast. It’s like a trendy juice cleanse except the juice is air.

I do love a good painted cheese.

I do love a good painted cheese.

6) DON’T send a mass Thanksgiving text. 

If you could opt-out of mass texts, then maaaaybe it would make them slightly more tolerable. But inevitably, your phone buzzes nonstop with the tangential side conversations mass texts tend to cultivate: “Who is 454-444-0456 number?” Just send a personal text or tweet. And by tweet, I mean, send a message to your loved ones by carrier pigeon.

7) DON’T talk about Black Friday or lament about the holiday season.

WE KNOW. WE ALL LIVE ON PLANET EARTH IN A CITY CALLED OBVIOUSTOWN, USA.

Black Friday Logic.

Black Friday Logic.

8) DON’T talk politics.

Uncle Bob, put down the butter knife and channel your political enthusiasm into aggressively washing the dishes or something.

“We. Are. Trying. To. Have. A. Nice. Day,” said hosts and hostesses through gritted teeth all throughout the land.

9) DON’T be ignorant of American history. 

You guys, Thanksgiving can hardly be boiled down to a bunch of white people high-fiving the native population.

10) DON’T be a cynical killjoy.

Wait a second…

26e871ff25dc7b7ca24804a0aeb09194 (1)

- M

* I am aware that Thanksgiving was not Day 1 of Pilgrims landing on America.

About these ads

That Moment When You are in Retail and an Acquaintance is Studying to be a Pediatric Oncologist

I see a lot of people I sorta-kinda know at my job. I generally cower in the back until he/she leaves, or, if I know there’s a good chance he or she will remember me, I will say hi and exchange pleasantries like a human being. Anyway, I was tirelessly trying to please customers (hmm.. debatable) when I recognized a face in line. I knew it was the mom of an elementary school friend. We had found our own friend groups in middle school and high school and our friendship faded out. But I was curious to see where she was in her like.

I asked the mother of said childhood chum how she was doing and she told me that her daughter was studying to become a pediatric oncologist. Yes, a pediatric oncologist. So, she’ll be treating babies with cancer.

She looked at me after she said this and said, “And what are you doing with your life these days?”

I looked down at my red apron that had my name scribbled across with a little heart at the end for added creativity points and answered, “Well, working… And then finishing school this semester.”

“Oh, and what do you plan to do after?”

“Be a writer.”

“Good luck with that!”

My self-esteem, already on shaky ground, plummeted with that comment. Okay, so maybe I won’t be a pediatric oncologist, and that’s fine. I’m very happy just slinging around price guns and filtering through customers’ inane questions until I’m a famous writer writer who at least pulls in enough money to pay the bills and allow myself to eat kale.

And you know, retail isn’t that bad. It has definitely changed how I view humanity. Some people know that you are a human and treat you like one and other people see your little apron and impose Customer Law which allows them to be a jerk. I have very little patience for Customer Law and usually reciprocate with Manager Law which is when I call a manager to deal with the person because I literally cannot say anything without being fired.

Retail Robin is probably one of my favorite memes in existence just because of its sheer applicability to my life:

retail robin 1

rr 2

rr 3

rr 4

rr 5

Lesson of the day: avoid people always.

- Daughter

I Guess I’m Supposed to Write About Valentine’s Day

It’s that time of year again. No, not another colonoscopy. No, not another endoscopy. NO, NOT FOR AN ENEMA. Is your digestive system okay? Like, seriously. That’s a lot of procedures. Eat some more fiber or something.

Anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day! I guess I’m supposed to write a hilarious blog post or a cynical, sarcastic one about this day dedicated to love, but the problem is, I don’t have an opinion about Valentine’s Day. I like cats and act like a crazy cat lady on all days, so this day doesn’t particularly resonate with me.

I was literally banging my head against the wall screaming, “WHY AM I NOT FUNNY?!!!!!!!” when I was attempting to brainstorm a blog post about Valentine’s Day. Perhaps because of a concussion, I had a realization. The problem is, you see, that everything funny that could be written about Valentine’s day has been written. And everything saccharine and cutesy about Valentine’s Day has also been written. So… what’s left? I’m left. I’M LEFT. No, I’m write. I mean, right.

If for some reason you are a weirdo who gets sad on Valentine’s Day, I have come to bring you good cheer. Here are cute animals having a worse Valentine’s Day than you:

 

 

 

- Daughter

 

Blog at WordPress.com.
The Esquire Theme.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 502 other followers

%d bloggers like this: