I am a Carpenter

I am taking a theater carpentry class currently and it is honestly the best decision I have ever made in my life.* Especially right now as I struggle through my thesis word by word, it feels good to start and finish something successfully, even though it’s nothing more impressive than a basic wooden structure.

Not to brag but I can wield carpentry tools like  a young, precocious Jesus (he was a carpenter, FYI – and, yes, I just compared myself to Jesus.) Avoid run-on sentences? No. Cut a piece of wood with a table saw? Yes. Structure a logical framework for paper? No. Sand down the edges of wood successfully? Yes.

My carpentry partner, a good friend, “cannot do math” and therefore, according to her, “cannot make measurements”. She also claims that she is unable to read. So, clearly, I had to take the reins and make a lot of the executive decisions in class today. It really tested our friendship. They say travel is the best way to know if you’re really friends with somebody but I think that taking a shop class together that involves saws and other dangerous power tools is the true test. Trust falls? Hah, try running a saw within inches of someone’s fingers – now that’s trust. Good thing I don’t have fingers.*

One of the executive decisions I made, however, ended up ruining a piece of scenery that’s going to be used in an upcoming show. Whoops. But we fixed it. Sort of. I was supposed to be cutting a straight line but it ended up squiggly. My professor came over, looked at it for a second, and burst out laughing at our handiwork.

After a little sanding and praying to Jesus (the god of carpentry), the piece of wood looked less like a spaghetti noodle and more like a straight line. I guess you could say I’m a carpentry genius, but I don’t want to be immodest.

- Daughter

*Hyperbole alert.

*I do have fingers.

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How to Build a Kitten Fortress

Preliminary stages of Kitten Fortress

Tomorrow, I’m getting my foster cat and kittens. In order to prepare, I built a kitten fortress underneath my desk. I put down a blanket that is nicer than the one on my bed that will probably just get pooped or hairballed on. I also put one of my old shirts in a corner so they get used to my wonderful human smell. The mama cat will probably hate me and try to disembowel me but maybe, just maybe, she will sense that I will be alone forever and take pity on me.

Anywho, here are the steps necessary to create a kitten fortress (makes a great Easter gift!):

1) Gather materials. Make sure they are sturdy, but do not expect them to stay clean. Because they will not. Kittens are not known for their table manners.

2) Deconstruct a cardboard box. Place cardboard box in a niche somewhere in your house to create a cat habitat. Make the box look at horrible as possible so that your landlord will hate you when she shows people the apartment.

3) Decorate the cat fortress on the outside with pictures of castles…. so it looks more like a fortress and less like a piece of processed, dead tree. Upon completion of this step, your landlord will be distracted by the beauty of the fortress and have no room in her heart for hatred.

4) Add kittens. Do not stir; let mellow for 48 hours.

5) Abandon all social activities and barricade self in the fortress with the cat and kittens. Never leave.

- Daughter

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