Insomnia: Things Happen

During the last few days I have not been sleeping at all. This isn’t new. Obviously, I’m not dead so I have been sleeping for a few hours here and there but nothing near what I need or want. Why is this? In part, because I cannot keep a regular schedule (okay, Dad, congratulations, you win!). Sure, in an ideal world, I would love to go to sleep by midnight or 11 pm each night.  In reality, I have friends, ideas, and a preference for the 8 pm to 2 am time slot. I have always been most productive, most energetic, and most creative in this time period. That’s why when I can’t sleep, impulsive ideas strike and I get up and do ridiculous things. It’s my natural inclination to be up at this time so why not make the most of it?

Not me.

Not me.

Last night when I didn’t sleep, I planned out a backpacking trip complete with a budget, how much needs to be saved each month, and what the average day would cost on the road. This was not a requirement for anything in my life. Just my own flight of fancy.

Tonight, I have also not slept at all and it is currently 3:30 in the morning. I didn’t sleep last night either and so I’m on a non-sleeping high where every idea I have seems amazing and everything I do, say, or see is hilarious. (I think that’s how I function all the time now that I think about it…)

Tonight, I have had a line of different baking products.

First, I made chocolate covered frozen bananas with almonds on the outside. They’re pretty gangster. I didn’t pressure them into that life. They chose it. Believe me, I’ve tried coaxing them out of the gang life. But it turns out that frozen bananas are a hard bunch.

(PUNS.)

After I made those bananas, I said to myself, “Wow, you know what you are going to want tomorrow? Homemade protein bars with lots of chocolate that you can play off as healthy since all the other hippie stuff you put in it balances it out!!” I proceeded to melt chocolate and spoon it into my mouth occasionally and then haphazardly added ingredients that made sense in my head. I didn’t follow a recipe book because, to be honest, that only works out about half of the time. I have a better record with baked goods when I go with my instincts. My instincts tend to lead me to a lot of chocolate. So, some chocolate, oatmeal, protein powder, almond flour, almonds, and rice milk later, a big sheet of protein bar legendaryness was created. After it had hardened in the freezer, I took it upon myself to cut and individually wrap each square with the love and attention of a male seahorse (whatever you do, do not YouTube: “male seahorse giving birth”, the horrors etched into your retina will never be buffed out – these images will forever scar and wound you, tainting even the most delightful of occasions).

After that, I said, “Hey, it’s only 2 am, that’s not late!! I still have time to brew extra strong tea blends and put them in a pitcher for iced tea in the morning!!”

So then I did that.

And now, I am admittedly exhausted.

Sleep, maybe? Nah, I’ll sleep when I’m dead. *keels over*

- Daughter

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Somebody’s Drunk in the Kitchen

I have a recipe that I hold near and dear to my heart. It was passed down for centuries in my family. It represents health, community, and spiritual well-being within my clan. Not really. I just found it this year on a Google search. But that doesn’t make for a very good story.

Anyway, during the last four months of college, this particular recipe has been a staple. It became comfort food. What is it, you ask? Kale and shrimp. It doesn’t sound impressive but this recipe is seriously magical. And, the best part of it is that it is impossible to screw up.

Unless you’re me.

I have made this recipe probably one hundred times. There are less than ten ingredients. It takes a maximum of thirty minutes to prepare and make. You’d think I’d have it down pat.

Mais, non.

I was so excited to cook this meal for my family because for once, I knew what I was doing. I confidently sauteed the kale and shrimp. I disregarded the directions a bit because I added more kale than the recipe called for. Ah, well, I should make more sauce to balance it out!! So, I added more vinegar to the sauce. Worst. Decision. Ever.

Immediately, the steam coming up from the pot turned into a noxious gas that made my eyes water. Well, maybe it’s one of those foods that tastes better than it smells! 

Nope, it wasn’t. I put a small sample in my mouth and I might as well have taken a shot of vinegar. Now my mouth was burning in addition to my eyes.

Luckily, my mom came to the rescue and was able to water down the sauce to less terrifyingly-vinegary levels. Nobody died after eating it so I guess I made something edible. Checkmate.

- Daughter

Brownies from Hell

Sums up my type of cooking.

Sums up my type of cooking.

Brownies are supposed to be a combination of everything that is good and sacred in this world. Second to the Pope, the Brownie is revered across cultures as a spiritual leader. I’m not sure why my roommate and I were messing with perfection.

We attempted to make “healthy” brownies. Worst idea we have ever had.

First, we made two trips to the grocery store and then scoured the internet for a few hours to find a suitable recipe that met our qualifications. After an informal group interview, we narrowed down the recipes to the most delicious-sounding. And in the final interview round, the brownie recipe that ended up with the job was especially appetizing. He sounded great on paper. Unfortunately, he wasn’t right for the position and we had to terminate him after his first day for being repulsive.

After a suspiciously short time in the oven, the brownies came out and smelled delicious. We didn’t even wait until they had cooled, we just  shoved them down our indiscriminate gullets like hungry pelicans. Unfortunately, they were the worst things in the entire world. I started chewing and my face lit up with the enthusiasm only baked goods can inspire. Then, my face slowly dropped into a grimace as the sensory data from my tongue went to my brain where it proceeded to freak out from utter disgust and revulsion. Despite the initial horrible taste, I wanted to be an Equal Opportunity Brownie Employer and gave it another chance. If it is possible, it tasted even worse the second time. My roommate and I had built up so many expectations for brownie greatness and then this atrocity showed up instead. We just couldn’t take it.

We laughed to keep from crying. It was honestly one of the most disappointing things that have happened to me in recent times. Probably means I’m a spoiled, privileged brat… maybe. But it mostly means I suffered severe disappointment in the form of crushed brownie dreams.

I have a fever and the only prescription is brownies that taste like brownies and not like something that came out of the butt of a dog.

- Daughter

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