When You Spend Your Friday Night Wiping Poop Off Kittens

Literally, every day, one of the kittens is covered in its own feces. HAVE YOU NO SHAME, KITTENS? It gets really old giving a wriggly kitten a bath. It’s not even a real bath and it’s still traumatic for everyone involved. I have to wet a washcloth and pin him down and then scrub off the dried cat poop. It’s very humiliating for him, I’m sure. Definitely not a pleasant experience for me.

And the only way I know if one of the kittens have been playing in his own poop is if he comes close enough to me where I will either smell or see poop, not exactly the way I want to wake up in the morning: with kitten poop and it’s fragrance wafting around the room.

Today was no different from every other day the kittens have somehow managed to be lint-rollers that attract poop instead of lint. I turned on Storage Wars, put on yoga pants, and got ready to relax. And then, I saw it. One of the kittens, who has light orange fur, was suddenly transformed into a brown, ugly mess. There was poop. All over his head. He must have been trying to imitate one of those dung beetles he saw on National Geographic. You really shouldn’t let children under two watch television because this is what happens: they will imitate the actions they see on t.v. and make poor life decisions. Like play with poop.

There are other things I could be doing on a Friday night – bar-hopping, going on a date, going to a movie. Instead, I am chasing around a kitten who is tracking poop all over the room with each step of his poop-covered paw. And the chase ends on my bed, where the poop transfers from his paws to my clean sheets. Ah, yes. Namaste. Happy Friday.

- Daughter

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Guest Post by My Kittens

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Study: Kittens Impair Brain Function

My roommate and I may foster kittens because I don’t want to have to wait until after college to become a cat lady; I need to get a move on already. I am nothing if not an over-achiever, you see.

We went to a local animal shelter to meet a mama cat and her two babies. As soon as I pet those tiny kittens, everything was right in the world.

I don’t have anything to say today because this is the only thing my brain is capable processing:

 

HOW AM I SINGLE?

- Daughter

Another Story from the Uncool Pool, Plus Pre-Black Friday Thoughts as a Retail Worker

Working Black Friday forces me to spend time away from my family (my cat).

A Story from the Uncool Pool

During my year off from college, I have done really important things like tweak my style. One such tweak has been putting more “edgy” pieces in my wardrobe: hardware, black, and rippy/holey things.

I think my style has more holes personality but it has not upped my cool quotient which is resting comfortably between negative four and zero.

Case in point, I walked into work a few days ago wearing some manly really awesome combat boots that my mom hates (if your mom hates them, they have to be cool right?). They’re actually men’s boots which I only realized after I bought them (thrift store for the win).

Quick, relevant back story: every time I go to work at my retail job, I drink as much coffee as I can possibly ingest before I start. If I’m only slightly trembling, that’s not enough. I like to have a nice tremor going to completely obliterate my fine motor skills. Anyway, I was prancing like a show pony into work, extremely high on caffeine and wearing my combat boots, which I thought made me look ridiculously cool… James-Bond-level cool. But no.

I’m walking like the happy idiot I am and trip by hooking a metal latch from one shoe onto the other shoe’s shoelaces and take myself out. Luckily, after doing an Irish jig move I pulled out of my back pocket to save myself from falling on the floor, I was able to regain my upright, bipedal posture. Unfortunately, this was in full view of customers and co-workers. They had the decency to ask if I was okay before laughing uproariously.

Even my boots know that I’m not cool. (And now my co-workers.)

———————————————————–

Today is Black Friday. These are my thoughts about working in retail during it:

1)      OH.

2)      MY.

3)      GOD.

4)      HELP.

5)      ME.

- Daughter

Performance Art: Me as Grumpy Cat

Yesterday, I had a piece of cake but the icing stuck to the top of the container so when I took it off, all of the icing completely separated from the cake. It was also the most disgusting cake I have ever had the misfortune of eating. It tasted like what death must feel like.

In other news, I have an uncanny resemblance to Grumpy Cat.

- Daughter

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