At home, I was a fan of the worst, trashiest t.v. shows I could find. Jersey Shore, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Forever-Alone-Cat-Lady (oh, actually that’s just a documentary of my life), Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo, Toddlers and Tiaras… I am too embarrassed and ashamed to go on. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. I lived vicariously through these ridiculous caricatures of human beings who drank too much, loved too much, and ate fried, unidentified objects (F.U.O.s) mostly composed of chemicals and the tears of Mother Earth.
But I’ve made a serious transition, a “mature, wise investment in my future” you might even call it. How? Intervention and Beyond Scared Straight. In case you’re my Dad: Intervention = the show about drug addicts who get one last chance at help and Beyond Scared Straight = the show about troubled young kids who spend a day in jail to learn about the inspiration for that Elvis song.
Where are the housewives? In their houses, doing various drugs in between ironing and starching their husbands’ suits. Where are the toddler pageant contestants? Probably somewhere along the path to becoming heroin addicts. These lessons and more I have learned. I think college is edumuhkating me and turning me into a smart person. I don’t know why or how… but it is happening. It’s as inevitable as the sun rising or cats.
Besides the fact that they increase my intelligence exponentially (learned that word from one of those shows, by the way) I think I watch Intervention and Beyond Scared Straight because they help to confirm that I am making GoodLifeChoices ™ rather than PoorLifeChoices ™. It especially helps assuage any guilt I feel for skipping assignments for classes. It’s not that bad I didn’t finish the book, I’m not doing meth!!! Whoops, I forgot about that meeting with my thesis advisor because I overslept… at least it wasn’t because I was on a coke binge!!! Oh man, I just spend $40 on quinoa…. at least I’m getting protein and not toxic overdoses!!! Etc.
I also haven’t been to jail
much, so there’s that.
Moral: drugs are bad but catnip is good… it’s an herb, okay? It’s like different, man, it’s natural - don’t be so close-minded.