Jurassic Park is based on my life. The producers and director were time travelers who saw my apartment and then went back to the 90′s where they proceeded to make the movie where that dinosaur has an existential crisis and becomes a serial killer. WHAT ELSE COULD EXPLAIN THIS?
During my first few days of wandering around the apartment, familiarizing myself with the many niches and alcoves of my new habitat, I happened upon my roommate’s “alarm clock”. Apparently, it’s one of the fancy ones that mimic the sunrise (I prefer waking up in a panic to submarine alarm sounds). But I think it’s actually a dinosaur egg incubator. I wouldn’t be surprised if I wake up one morning and a baby dinosaur is wandering around. And I’m just not mentally prepared for that; I’m too young to be a mother.
In other apartment news, I almost lit the entire apartment on fire. It’s not like anything like this has ever occurred before.
This is what happened: I was ready to relax, light some incense, and get my namaste on. My chakras were quivering in anticipation of their alignment and my hair spontaneously transformed into dread locks because things were about to get real hippie. I took a match and attempted to light it. First attempt: unsuccessful. My patience was being tested and my inner peace was being clawed away by the lack of clove and lemongrass scent that I was being denied. The second time I tried, the match was successfully lit but broke in half because I was unaware of my own strength. The lit end went flying across the room (read: three inches) onto a wooden table. It was one of those slow motion moments where I had time to contemplate my lot in life and how ridiculous that there was fire flying around in the air. What has become of me? After my quick self-reflection, I put out the flame and stopped, dropped, and rolled for good measure. It left a small burn mark on the table. Nonetheless, I lit the incense. The smell of burnt furniture seemed to linger, a reminder that fire should only be played with in the safety of a heavily wooded area and never inside.